Thursday, May 3rd, 2007
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3:18 am - No assistance is needed.
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To those who would hold up the sun so I might see clearer: Welcome. We have all come down from paradise at least that is what was written. We are but lepers in a land of the clean, and we have come to raise the dogs up and together we shall sing the praises of the Moon.
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Thursday, December 7th, 2006
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4:48 pm - This is how I waste my time.
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First sentence of every the first livejournal post of every month. Here it is.
January-scream is gay.
February-there are moments that occur that are beyond language.
March-there's something comforting about chaos.
April-(the following is a poem, I refuse to butcher it, as I am fond of it) I have found the america of television and technicolored dreams skipping cars and machines forgetting people and places I do not deal in fantasies or flee west to find answers to questions we had east I have found the america we spent gradeschool hunting for in maps and on bicycles I did not need photographs, hazy memories of empty fields nor empty lovers we left in others' sheets I have left barren landscapes barren and kept pavement under my feet I did not need education or sundresses I have found america in small children, fireworks and the way the street blurs when we run through it holding hands.
May-(the following is a poem by Amiri Baraka, and I refuse to cut it down.) Preface to a Twenty Volume Suicide Note Lately, I’ve become accustomed to the way the ground opens up and envelopes me Each time I go out to walk the dog. Or the broad edged silly music the wind Makes when I run for a bus . . .
Things have come to that.
And now, each night I count the stars And each night I get the same number. And when they will not come to be counted, I count the holes they leave.
Nobody sings anymore.
And then last night, I tiptoed up To my daughter’s room and heard her Talking to someone, and when I opened The door, there was no one there . . . Only she on her knees, peeking into
Her own clasped hands
-Amiri Baraka
June-(I did not post during the month of June)
July-the moon stood higher than it had in years
August-(I did not post during the month of August)
September-Things are very different.
November-(I did not post for the month of November)
October-I'm worried about all the worrying I've been doing.
December-(This is the first post of December)
The moral is as follows: Read Amiri Baraka.
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Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
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11:47 pm
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There are things that can be forgiven. This is not one of them. If I ever see him again, I might live the rest of my life out in jail.
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Sunday, October 29th, 2006
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7:27 pm
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There's nothing more awkward than realizing you can't trust anyone. My childhood is dead.
Cara, I knew we shouldn't have watched to catch a fucking predator.
I hate.
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Saturday, October 28th, 2006
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7:35 pm
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I still can't understand why everyone hates hispanics. We're so damn charming.
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Monday, October 23rd, 2006
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12:47 am
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New tattoo. Happy (at least with some things).
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Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
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7:25 pm
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I'm worried about all the worrying I've been doing.
I've been planning too far ahead when tomorrow is uncertain.
I'm scared of what's going to happen to us all.
I'm scared of what isn't going to happen to us.
I'm scared of what isn't going to happen to me.
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Monday, September 25th, 2006
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1:19 am
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this is not going to be easy.
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Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
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7:35 pm
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Thank the Light for Hugo Chavez. I honestly want to defect to Venezuala. Is that bad?
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Monday, September 18th, 2006
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4:05 pm - yup.
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stay true.
whisper for a tomorrow that can't come too soon.
cry for a yesterday that was lost before it's time.
stay true.
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Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
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11:53 pm - I haven't been here for a long time.
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Things are very different. Too much has happened. I have neglected you, oh internet diary. Course schedule is as follows: M-W-F Intro to Political Science, with Professor Clinton 10:00-10:50 M-F Environmental Sociology, with Professor Herideen 12:30-1:45 T-Th Social Problems, with Professor Ross-Perkins 12:30-1:45 T-Th Intro to Philosophy, with Professor Hanover 2:30-3:45
Time to do some learning.
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Thursday, July 20th, 2006
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10:28 am
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You have forgotten the face of your father.
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Saturday, July 1st, 2006
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5:25 pm
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the moon stood higher than it had in years
glowing with the reflection of a higher being than itself (Herself)
casting liquid silver, mother's milk rays
on all of us starving children.
and we sang her praises
first and last night of summer bottled into one
or piled on top of each other like a club sandwich
and we were the bread in between
are the bread in between
our consciousness the only divider in time between the now, the then,
and the mayonnaise of our forefathers
spread across leftover turkey and dreams sandwiches
and we sang old songs like children with our mouths full of the goals
our parents had for us that we had cast aside
as so many stones on a gravel road headed toward infirmary or infinity,
whichever one suits you better
we screamed and kicked and ran
playing at those games we've been taught from birth
like smiling, and touching
this glorious time traveling, never ending
shadowless evening (or night?)
lit by the goddess Herself (some would argue on the reflection of He, Hisself)
told tales of there and now
like an old man at a restaurant reflecting on the love he lost
because he was too scared to admit
that he was scared to lose her
he had wisdom now like all of us.
and on this liquid silver, mother's milk night
where the very air seemed to fill us all with the fuel we need(ed)
and our bones ached for distance and speed
and yours, and mine, and their hearts all beat in one rhythm one rhythm one rhythm hey jude
and we sat on that porch, as sing song explosions lit the night air as street lamps displayed everything the city had as She Herself and He Hisself tossled for the glory (or blame) of it all as our fingers stuck together when we held hands and watermelon seeds decorated our hair and sidewalk we sat and stared across a starry expanse and thought of fireflies and children's hands and the way people's eyes can actually change color
and wished for more
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Thursday, May 25th, 2006
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5:40 pm
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I got something to say.
I killed a baby today.
(It doesn't matter much to me, as long as it's dead.)
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Monday, May 1st, 2006
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11:44 pm - Preface to a Twenty Volume Suicide Note
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Lately, I’ve become accustomed to the way the ground opens up and envelopes me Each time I go out to walk the dog. Or the broad edged silly music the wind Makes when I run for a bus . . .
Things have come to that.
And now, each night I count the stars And each night I get the same number. And when they will not come to be counted, I count the holes they leave.
Nobody sings anymore.
And then last night, I tiptoed up To my daughter’s room and heard her Talking to someone, and when I opened The door, there was no one there . . . Only she on her knees, peeking into
Her own clasped hands
-Amiri Baraka
It's impossibly easy to see how this one poem affected every aspect of my life, from writing to breathing.
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Thursday, April 6th, 2006
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1:37 pm
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I have found the america of television and technicolored dreams skipping cars and machines forgetting people and places I do not deal in fantasies or flee west to find answers to questions we had east I have found the america we spent gradeschool hunting for in maps and on bicycles I did not need photographs, hazy memories of empty fields nor empty lovers we left in others' sheets I have left barren landscapes barren and kept pavement under my feet I did not need education or sundresses I have found america in small children, fireworks and the way the street blurs when we run through it holding hands.
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Sunday, March 26th, 2006
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3:21 am - Is it ok to be happy yet?
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We're all so fucking sorry for things we've done and haven't we regret the past almost as much as the future the only reason we even talk anymore is to look for reasons we feel the way we do i detest best friends and look forward to hating new people hidden behind the fact that we are smarter than them we're all so scared that they're happier than us we fought so long to be here now we've forgotten why and how to get ourselves out
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Sunday, March 19th, 2006
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2:45 pm - We're All Adults, Aren't We? (Oh My God the Child Inside is Dead)
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we're all adults aren't we? raised by television and magazines how do you pleasure your man one hundred ways carrying backpacks full of guilt (we are our own punishment) we sit at computers our happiest dreams are dreams of dying and we forgot how to smile on the inside we're all adults aren't we? (we're all happy aren't we?) pay the bills pay the bills wear the suits pay the bills pay the bills and cry ourselves to sleep i want to feel good i want to feel proud i want to be right the older we get the older we get the older we get we're sure to die we're sure to die we're sure to die (oh my god, the child inside is dead) we're taught to feel bad we're taught to feel shame we're taught to be wrong who feels good who feels proud who is right (oh my god, the child inside is dead)
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Friday, March 17th, 2006
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2:22 pm - Heard Coyotes in the City
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Heard coyotes in the city and I've never seen a constellation the man in the moon isn't true and if the big dipper is a lie then the little dipper is a sad collection of stars you said your eyes could change you said hazel or green you said your eyes could change you said hazel or green I'm still waiting for the chance I'm still waiting for the change you said our stars were crossed I wasn't listening I couldn't find Orion's belt You said "it's right there" I still can't find right there You said "nevermind, nevermind" I still cared you got upset and left All I wanted was a second chance.
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2:11 pm
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We're all adults, aren't we?
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