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Thursday, May 3rd, 2007
3:18 am - No assistance is needed.
To those who would hold up the sun
so I might see clearer:
Welcome.
We have all come down from paradise
at least that is what was written.
We are but lepers in a land
of the clean, and we have come
to raise the dogs up
and together
we shall sing the praises
of the Moon.

(put that boquet on my grave)

Thursday, December 7th, 2006
4:48 pm - This is how I waste my time.
First sentence of every the first livejournal post of every month. Here it is.

January-scream is gay.

February-there are moments that occur that are beyond language.

March-there's something comforting about chaos.

April-(the following is a poem, I refuse to butcher it, as I am fond of it)
I have found the america of television
and technicolored dreams
skipping cars and machines
forgetting people and places
I do not deal in fantasies
or flee west to find answers
to questions we had east
I have found the america we spent gradeschool hunting for in maps
and on bicycles
I did not need photographs,
hazy memories of empty fields
nor empty lovers we left in others' sheets
I have left barren landscapes barren
and kept pavement under my feet
I did not need education
or sundresses
I have found america
in small children, fireworks
and the way the street blurs
when we run through it
holding hands.

May-(the following is a poem by Amiri Baraka, and I refuse to cut it down.)
Preface to a Twenty Volume Suicide Note
Lately, I’ve become accustomed to the way
the ground opens up and envelopes me
Each time I go out to walk the dog.
Or the broad edged silly music the wind
Makes when I run for a bus . . .

Things have come to that.

And now, each night I count the stars
And each night I get the same number.
And when they will not come to be counted,
I count the holes they leave.

Nobody sings anymore.

And then last night, I tiptoed up
To my daughter’s room and heard her
Talking to someone, and when I opened
The door, there was no one there . . .
Only she on her knees, peeking into

Her own clasped hands

-Amiri Baraka

June-(I did not post during the month of June)

July-the moon stood higher than it had in years

August-(I did not post during the month of August)

September-Things are very different.

November-(I did not post for the month of November)

October-I'm worried about all the worrying I've been doing.

December-(This is the first post of December)

The moral is as follows: Read Amiri Baraka.

(1 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)

Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
11:47 pm
There are things that can be forgiven.
This is not one of them.
If I ever see him again, I might live the rest of my life out in jail.

(put that boquet on my grave)

Sunday, October 29th, 2006
7:27 pm
There's nothing more awkward than realizing you can't trust anyone.
My childhood is dead.


Cara, I knew we shouldn't have watched to catch a fucking predator.




















I hate.

(2 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)

Saturday, October 28th, 2006
7:35 pm
I still can't understand why everyone hates hispanics. We're so damn charming.

(1 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)

Monday, October 23rd, 2006
12:47 am
New tattoo.
Happy (at least with some things).

(2 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)

Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
7:25 pm
I'm worried about all the worrying I've been doing.

I've been planning too far ahead when tomorrow is uncertain.

I'm scared of what's going to happen to us all.

I'm scared of what isn't going to happen to us.

I'm scared of what isn't going to happen to me.

(put that boquet on my grave)

Monday, September 25th, 2006
1:19 am
this is not going to be easy.

(3 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)

Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
7:35 pm
Thank the Light for Hugo Chavez. I honestly want to defect to Venezuala. Is that bad?

(6 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)

Monday, September 18th, 2006
4:05 pm - yup.
stay true.

whisper for a tomorrow that can't come too soon.

cry for a yesterday that was lost before it's time.

stay true.

(put that boquet on my grave)

Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
11:53 pm - I haven't been here for a long time.
Things are very different.
Too much has happened.
I have neglected you, oh internet diary.
Course schedule is as follows:
M-W-F Intro to Political Science, with Professor Clinton 10:00-10:50
M-F Environmental Sociology, with Professor Herideen 12:30-1:45
T-Th Social Problems, with Professor Ross-Perkins 12:30-1:45
T-Th Intro to Philosophy, with Professor Hanover 2:30-3:45

Time to do some learning.

(3 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)

Thursday, July 20th, 2006
10:28 am
You have forgotten the face of your father.

(put that boquet on my grave)

Saturday, July 1st, 2006
5:25 pm

the moon stood higher than it had in years

glowing with the reflection of a higher being than itself (Herself)

casting liquid silver, mother's milk rays

on all of us starving children.

and we sang her praises

first and last night of summer bottled into one

or piled on top of each other like a club sandwich

and we were the bread in between

are the bread in between

our consciousness the only divider in time between the now, the then,

and the mayonnaise of our forefathers

spread across leftover turkey and dreams sandwiches

and we sang old songs like children with our mouths full of the goals

our parents had for us that we had cast aside

as so many stones on a gravel road headed toward infirmary or infinity,

whichever one suits you better

we screamed and kicked and ran

playing at those games we've been taught from birth

like smiling, and touching

this glorious time traveling, never ending

shadowless evening (or night?)

lit by the goddess Herself (some would argue on the reflection of He, Hisself)

told tales of there and now

like an old man at a restaurant reflecting on the love he lost

because he was too scared to admit

that he was scared to lose her

he had wisdom now 
like all of us.

and on this liquid silver, mother's milk night

where the very air seemed to fill us all with the fuel we need(ed)

and our bones ached for distance and speed

and yours, and mine, and their hearts all beat in one rhythm
one rhythm
one rhythm
hey jude

and we sat on that porch,
as sing song explosions lit the night air
as street lamps displayed everything the city had
as She Herself and He Hisself tossled for the glory (or blame) of it all
as our fingers stuck together when we held hands
and watermelon seeds decorated our hair and sidewalk
we sat and stared across a starry expanse and thought of fireflies
and children's hands and the way people's eyes can actually change color

and wished for more

 

(put that boquet on my grave)

Thursday, May 25th, 2006
5:40 pm
I got something to say.

I killed a baby today.

(It doesn't matter much to me, as long as it's dead.)

(1 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)

Monday, May 1st, 2006
11:44 pm - Preface to a Twenty Volume Suicide Note
Lately, I’ve become accustomed to the way
the ground opens up and envelopes me
Each time I go out to walk the dog.
Or the broad edged silly music the wind
Makes when I run for a bus . . .

Things have come to that.

And now, each night I count the stars
And each night I get the same number.
And when they will not come to be counted,
I count the holes they leave.

Nobody sings anymore.

And then last night, I tiptoed up
To my daughter’s room and heard her
Talking to someone, and when I opened
The door, there was no one there . . .
Only she on her knees, peeking into

Her own clasped hands

-Amiri Baraka

It's impossibly easy to see how this one poem affected every aspect of my life, from writing to breathing.

(1 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)

Thursday, April 6th, 2006
1:37 pm
I have found the america of television
and technicolored dreams
skipping cars and machines
forgetting people and places
I do not deal in fantasies
or flee west to find answers
to questions we had east
I have found the america we spent gradeschool hunting for in maps
and on bicycles
I did not need photographs,
hazy memories of empty fields
nor empty lovers we left in others' sheets
I have left barren landscapes barren
and kept pavement under my feet
I did not need education
or sundresses
I have found america
in small children, fireworks
and the way the street blurs
when we run through it
holding hands.

(1 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)

Sunday, March 26th, 2006
3:21 am - Is it ok to be happy yet?
We're all so fucking sorry
for things we've done and haven't
we regret the past almost as much as the future
the only reason we even talk anymore
is to look for reasons we feel the way we do
i detest best friends
and look forward to hating new people
hidden behind the fact that we are smarter than them
we're all so scared that they're happier than us
we fought so long to be here
now we've forgotten why
and how to get ourselves out

(3 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)

Sunday, March 19th, 2006
2:45 pm - We're All Adults, Aren't We? (Oh My God the Child Inside is Dead)
we're all adults aren't we?
raised by television and magazines
how do you pleasure your man one hundred ways
carrying backpacks full of guilt (we are our own punishment)
we sit at computers
our happiest dreams
are dreams of dying
and we forgot how to smile on the inside
we're all adults aren't we? (we're all happy aren't we?)
pay the bills
pay the bills
wear the suits
pay the bills
pay the bills
and cry ourselves to sleep
i want to feel good
i want to feel proud
i want to be right
the older we get
the older we get
the older we get
we're sure to die
we're sure to die
we're sure to die
(oh my god, the child inside is dead)
we're taught to feel bad
we're taught to feel shame
we're taught to be wrong
who feels good
who feels proud
who is right
(oh my god, the child inside is dead)

(put that boquet on my grave)

Friday, March 17th, 2006
2:22 pm - Heard Coyotes in the City
Heard coyotes in the city
and I've never seen a constellation
the man in the moon isn't true
and if the big dipper is a lie
then the little dipper is a sad collection of stars
you said your eyes could change
you said hazel or green
you said your eyes could change
you said hazel or green
I'm still waiting for the chance
I'm still waiting for the change
you said our stars were crossed
I wasn't listening
I couldn't find Orion's belt
You said "it's right there"
I still can't find right there
You said "nevermind, nevermind"
I still cared
you got upset and left
All I wanted was a second chance.

(put that boquet on my grave)

2:11 pm
We're all adults, aren't we?

(1 wilted flowers and unkempt graves | put that boquet on my grave)


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